What's in a name? Well, your
identity, for starters -- you've spent your whole life
"making a name for yourself." That's why changing your name
after marriage isn't necessarily easy. The good news is that
brides today have many options.
Keep Your Name
Can’t let go? Keeping your own name means you'll avoid
the hassle of alerting everyone you know to the change. On
the flip side, dealing with traditional in-laws who don't
understand your reluctance to take their name won't be so
simple.
Take His Name
Taking your husband's name is the most traditional
option. Be prepared to receive twice as much junk mail --
mailing lists won't know you're the same person. But
everyone else will figure it out, and you'll avoid confusion
when you have kids.
Take His Name (Sort Of)
You could use your husband's name legally and socially
but continue to use your own for business purposes;
alternatively, you could keep your own name legally and
professionally but use his in social situations.
Take Both
Or you could decided to keep both names and hyphenate
them. If both names work well together, then this could be
an option. It gets trickier if the names don’ work together
or they have already been hyphenated; this then gets a bit
much.
This is all great in theory, but in practice what do brides
have to say?
“I took up my husband's surname. It gave me an added feeling
of union, but it's not essential.”
“I don't see why I should have to change my name to his.
This is who I am and everything I have achieved has been in
my name so why change it? Why do WOMEN have to change for
the men? I know its all tradition, but tradition isn't
really relevant in this day and age, it's only because we
live in such a patriarchal society that this occurs.”
I don't believe in changing my name as it is my identity,
something I will retain - obviously - throughout our
marriage. Also, I don't feel the need to change my name to
prove my commitment, or feel any deeper commitment - that is
something emotional and spiritual and unrelated to name
changing. I must also admit there is also the feminist in me
that baulks at the idea that traditionally women changed
their name to a man's as she became, legally, another one of
his chattel’s along with the cow and horse (Obviously not
suggesting this is relevant these days...!)
Anyway, despite my moral high horse, I encountered problems
when I discovered my other half did not feel the same and
wanted us to have the same name. I made a flippant remark
that if he felt that strongly about it he could change his
to mine (nothing legally stopping him). From there we came
to a compromise that we would both change our names and
hyphenate both our surnames. A good compromise to start our
marriage, I get to keep my name whilst he ensures we both
have the same name!”!
“I would never change my name. I now attach great importance
to it. Besides, my parents did all the hard work and I feel
as though I am giving that credit to some other family by
changing my name. We have had this discussion and he would
never expect me to. I personally don't feel the need to be
unified under a name.” I did not change my name. I am in two
minds about this. Sometimes I feel as though I should change
it because it would make me feel like it was more of a
union...but then other times I think we have no boys in the
family and if I do not carry on the family name who will?
The problem is that my surname which is hyphenated has come
to an end - there are no males to carry on our name. It’s
very sad as I am very proud of my name and it has a lot of
history. So when I marry my man one day but what do I do?? I
really like his surname and would feel kind of honoured to
take it (soooo traditional I know!)
“I've kept my surname, I've also known men who have taken
their wife's surname. The winner though, goes to a friend
who, upon realising her maternal grandmother (her maiden
name) was the last in the family line with that name, the
bride and groom both changed their names to hers. It was a
beautiful gesture.”
“I get REALLY riled up when people question me on my
decision to change my name. They say things like, you've
lost your identity - Sorry?? ****. My identity is in my
personality, my values, my memories and experiences, my
upbringing - and my surname is only a small part of that.
And losing the connection with my family? That makes no
sense to me. I have a wonderful family, which after my
wedding doubled in size. I feel a connection with ALL of
them, and there are 50 different surnames within my family
group. Some people choose not to change their name, and that
is entirely their choice and I have no problem with it. I
have chosen TO change my name, and people should, in return,
have no problem with that, either. Don't let anybody
pressure you into a decision one way or the other.”
"I can't decide. I don't feel especially loyal to my
existing 'family' name/identity (after all, my grandparents
came from 4 different families, but only 1 of their surnames
has been passed down to me). It's more that I like my first
name plus surname combination as it is. Megan M****. It's
has symmetry and style. On the other hand, we're making a
new family together and it makes sense to me that everyone
in a family should have the same surname. And I don't want
to go into marriage marking out all the things I *refuse* to
give up or compromise on." "I am reluctant to give up my
current surname, especially at work where people know me as
that. However, I like the idea of sharing a name with my
husband and for any kids to have parents with the same name
(it feels more like a family). So ... I'm thinking of doing
the Hollywood thing and retaining my surname but adding his
surname, like Joanne Whalley Kilmer."
"I changed my name because I wanted to seal our union, I
wanted to prove not only to him but to everyone that I am
100% devoted to him and that we share everything. I knew
that it was a big thing for his dad though, not that he is
old fashioned or anything like that, but I know that it
means a lot to him that I would choose to have their name
and really make myself a part of their family. But I did not
come to this decision lightly. I did want to keep my own
name because it is the last thing I have of my dad. My
father passed away when I was 5. I never knew my dad and the
only thing left was my last name. So for me, this was a huge
and significant decision. I felt sad and in some ways I felt
that I was 'letting the team down' so to speak...but I am
sure my dad understands that I finally have a man in my life
and I want to devote everything to him and our lives
together."
"After years of swearing that "I'd never change my surname,
I built my career on my name, it’s my trade mark, etc
etc".... within 6 months I changed it to my husband's
surname. And it was a personal choice, not my husband's, or
most of his family. My hubby was happy with whatever I
wanted to do, it was MY choice. and he respected me & my
decisions. (One of the reasons why I married him - awwww).
Funny thing though, my brother in law insisted that his
(now) wife change her last name to his when they got
married."
"I am the youngest of 5 kids. 4 women, and 1 (gay) son, who
is evidently not going to get married and have children.
Therefore I feel some sort of obligation to retain my
surname and pass it on to my children; the likelihood of our
family name carrying on further than us is very slim."
"I would like to take my husbands name, and be called Mrs. I
think it's just another (traditional) way to show your
commitment to the world. (and there's nothing wrong with
tradition) Mainly I'd like to take his name so the WHOLE
family has the same last name. Yes I did accomplish and
experience things with my current name. . . but just because
I change my surname. . . it doesn't erase those things. It
just adds something else to my history. In addition, I have
some "ideas" and family traditions that I would like upheld
from my side of the family, and are essentially non
negotiable. . . it's sort of like a compromise."
And what do Grooms think about all of this?
"A friend of my wife was told that changing her name was
"not negotiable". A shame, as she did have a lovely surname.
I wasn't fussed whether my wife changed her name or not. I
saw it from my point of view...how I would feel to change my
identity all of a sudden. It would be weird! .So I never
bought it up as it wasn't an issue. I was surprised that
within a month or so of getting married she decided to
change her drivers license and open joint bank accounts. She
really enjoyed it. But, she is still her "old self" at work.
And everything is working just fine for her. Funny thing is
when I call her at her office and I speak to her
secretaries, I still ask for her using her old name. Three
years of habit is hard to break!"
"When I get married, I would want my wife to keep her
surname. Personally, I don't see any reason why she should
have to change her surname to mine when we get married
anyway. It's not like I'd own her or anything."
"If my future wife insists on keeping her last name, then
I'd have to suck it in and take hers because I just like a
bit of identity with families."
Anne Mihelakos is the owner
of True Bride, a wedding site and your 'Ultimate Wedding
Partner', providing Australian couples with fantastic
wedding planning tools. This wedding web site has one of the
most comprehensive wedding directories of wedding suppliers
across Australia. For more information, visit the website
http://www.truebride.com.au
|
